By Kristen Rogers, CNN
(CNN) — When Katherine was pregnant this past summer, several people started to touch her growing belly without asking permission. At medical appointments and in the labor, delivery and recovery rooms, health professionals called her “mama” rather than by her name.
Looking back, she sees those moments as the first signs of some people disregarding her identity and agency. They were overlooking the woman I’ve known my whole life: an amazing friend, wife and sibling who is a hard worker, beautiful singer and theater fanatic.
The disheartening shift has continued since Katherine, whose name CNN agreed to change to protect her privacy, gave birth to her daughter. “I’ve expressed to my husband feeling like my value is different after having a baby,” she said. “You’re almost pushed to the background. My daughter is adorable, and I want everyone to love her. But at the same time, you go through nine months of carrying her and, in a way, suffering and all this pain during labor, and then it’s all about the baby.”
Some people have even flat out told Katherine, “It’s not about you anymore.” And during visits, some people have failed to help with chores or other postpartum needs because they were too preoccupied with fawning over her daughter.
“It makes you feel like, ‘Dang, what am I even here for? I’m just a sack of flesh that pushes out babies for you to enjoy,’” she said. “I’m not even of any worth or value to you anymore, for you to even stop and say, ‘Hello, how are you doing?’ and then hold the baby.”
Being devalued after childbirth seems to be a near-universal experience for new parents, but especially mothers. This erasure is rampant on social media, too, where videos meant to be funny show aunts and grandparents bulldozing past new parents to get to the baby, or hanging up video calls when they answer and see the child isn’t on the screen.
People may say they are only joking or celebrating a new baby, but even when meant well, these dismissive behaviors and comments can be hurtful and harm parents’ mental health, self-worth and sense of community. But the impacts aren’t “really talked about enough in our society,” Siobhán Alvarez-Borland, a postpartum doula in the metro Atlanta area, said.
Being aware of how you may be contributing to what some call “maternal invisibility” can help you become a more considerate person and help new parents still feel valued and supported.
Awareness can also dismantle “the unspoken bias that people have around what postpartum looks like versus what postpartum is actually like,” Alvarez-Borland said. But first it’s good to know what causes these issues.
What drives these behaviors
The lack of conversations about this issue is partly because some mothers, understandably, often feel apprehensive about confronting friends and family for fear of being perceived negatively for vocalizing their hurt and needs — a common consequence.
Chelsey Cox, a 31-year-old woman and mother to three children, confronted a girlfriend who hadn’t been supportive during her recent pregnancy and postpartum period but constantly spoiled her baby.
The woman told Cox she was s