By Avni Trivedi, CNN
(CNN) — Gabriela Cryan, a 23-year-old who works in sales in Chamblee, Georgia, once apologized for bringing the wrong coffee order to her colleagues at work — even though the coffee shop made the mistake.
“I feel like a lot of times I say ‘sorry’ in situations that are truly not my fault,” Cryan said. “Even though, in my eyes, I’m not taking accountability, other people may think I’m taking accountability because I’m saying ‘sorry.’”
I’m sorry if this is a dumb question. I’m sorry to bother you. I’m sorry, I don’t understand. I’m sorry, but I’m not interested in you.
Why do women apologize so much, and why don’t men do the same thing? Should they?
Facing an ‘impossible set of expectations’
Psychologist Stephen Hinshaw points to an “impossible set of expectations” placed on girls as a root source of the overuse of apologies.
Hinshaw, a distinguished professor of psychology at the University of California, Berkeley, held focus groups to study the phenomenon and discovered a “triple bind” placed on girls. He found they are expected to be 1) compassionate and nurturing; 2) competitive and driven; and 3) desirable — and able to meet these expectations with little effort.
“How can you be competitive, perfectly altruistic and empathic, and effortlessly sexualized? You can’t. It’s impossible,” said Hinshaw, who is also a professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at UC San Francisco. “But if that’s what the culture expects of you, then you internalize the failure.”
The expectations of the triple bind can manifest as a reflection of other people’s perceptions, Hinshaw explained. The opinions and expectations of others can cast doubt on aspects of yourself.
It’s true now more than ever.
The ages of onset depression, anxiety, binge eating and self-injury were dropping among teenage girls when Hinshaw coauthored the 2009 book “The Triple Bind: Saving Our Teenage Girls From Today’s Pressures and Conflicting Expectations.” But as time has passed, the statistics have shown that “such trends are ever-escalating,” he said.
“The rise of comparative social media (where teens view the supposed perfection of peers, leading to self-denigration), along with the pandemic, and a rising sense of hopelessness overall, have propelled these tragic statistics even further,” Hinshaw wrote in an email.
When there is nothing to apologize for
Ally Hall, a 26-year-old executive assistant in Georgia, points out her tendency to apologize when she’s asking for help on something, even if it’s that person’s job. She says she feels bad for “adding to their stress.”
“I just pay attention to other people a lot — and I don’t want to be a problem for them,” Hall said. “So I just apologize across the board.”
Even in situations that don’t always warrant an apology, some women find themselves reciting those words. The expectation that women should be empathetic manifests as apologies — even for how someone else is feeling, experts say.
“No wonder women would feel that if they’re too assertive maybe they haven’t been compassionate,” Hinshaw said. “They are going to be very cautious about being even ‘appropriately assertive’ because it might break the triple bind of these gender stereotypes.”<